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I think I'd make a great architect. I have this idea for a building. The outside is lined with pillars. On top of each pillar is a rabbit. There are many rabbits. Rabbits screaming violently.
I'm not even going to bother to seriously answer the question of 'where would you get all those rabbits?' because everyone knows that rabbits reproduce like rabbits, usually while screaming violently.
I briefly considered the idea of replacing the rabbits with octopi. However, octopi do not reproduce with the same ease as rabbits. They lay eggs, for which you need water, and plus I think the mother octopus has a tendency to eat the eggs if she stays with them for too long. Also, octopi cannot scream violently, as I learned during the various trips my family would take to the beach. They just sort of flop around without making much noise at all.
I'm toying with the idea of dressing up in a clown costume and applying to job interviews that way. You know. Just walk in, my face painted up all white and red, wearing a rainbow-colored baggy polyester suit, with really large shoes that squeak. Or, no, perhaps that is a little unsubtle. How about instead I walk in dressed completely appropriately, flats and a boring skirt and a dull unflattering sweater, except I'll have a toucan perched on my head.
The main problem with this plan is getting a toucan to stay on my head. But it's ok, I've come up with several solutions. One solution is to smear my head with the pulp of tropical fruits of the sort toucans might like to eat. This solution has the added benefit of enhancing my personal odor. Unfortunately fruit can go bad pretty fast, which would NOT enhance my personal odor, and also, the stickiness might drip down onto my dull unflattering sweater and stain it in interesting and colorful ways.
Another solution was to super-glue the toucan's feet to my scalp. The main problem with this solution is that I'd need to press the toucan's feet to my scalp until the super-glue took hold, which would be kind of bothersome.
A third solution is to just tie the toucan to my head with some very strong string. That will probably be the solution I'll go for, even though it is somewhat impractical, and breaks the illusion of a toucan sitting in my head of its own free will.
If anyone who is interviewing dares to questions my toucan, I'll just throw back my head and shriek, "RELEASE THE BEES!" and the toucan will open its beak and release a swarm of bees that it will have been holding inside its beak for just this occasion.
Naturally I will be immediately hired by anyone to whom I apply.
I'd like to run a carnival where the prizes at the various booths are not optional. If you win the game, YOU MUST TAKE THE PRIZE. In this case, the prize I'm thinking of is something akin to a goldfish in a plastic bag full of water. Except, goldfish are kind of dull. How about a jellyfish in a plastic bag full of water?
Alas, that would only do for the small prizes. You know how the stuffed animal prizes get bigger and bigger, depending on how many points you score? We'll have plastic bags that get bigger and bigger too. There's jellyfish out there that are larger than human beings, these gigantic jellyfish that are over ten feet in diameter. I think it'd be cool to have some of those as the Grande Prix.
Or, why stop at jellyfish? A bag could contain a shark. We could get the sharks for cheap from the zoos which need to put down the sharks that accidentally and unfortunately develop a taste for human flesh. Instead of putting them down, though, they could just sell them to us! And then we'd give them as prizes to small children, what a wonderful idea this is.
Or, what about lions? Yes, a lion in a large plastic bag full of water... Hm. For some reason something bothers me about this last one, but I'm not sure what it is. Oh wait, that's right. Lions can drown. I think that giving a little girl a large bag full of drowned lion would be possibly slightly traumatizing... So alright. No lions. UNLESS THEY ARE EQUIPPED WITH LION-DESIGNED SCUBA-TANKS...!!!
My aunt enjoys pressing flowers but what about pressing butterflies? I hear some people do that. That's kind of boring though. Let's press birds instead. Actually no, that is kind of gruesome. Let's press vegetables.
Question, though: what sort of vegetables? Meaning, plant vegetables, or people vegetables? I think that the families might object if we took the human vegetables out of the hospital and began squishing them under the weight of various encyclopedia volumes. So let's just press celery and asparagus instead.
I know a girl who has tries human cheese before. It's cheese made from human breast milk. I found myself strangely repulsed by the idea, despite my otherwise adventurous approach to unusual culinary presentations. I think the human cheese was developed as part of a science project. Just imagine having to put an ad in the paper: "WANTED, lactating women. We will milk you and then turn the milk into cheese. It is in the name of science." Hmmm.
I find it very interesting that caterpillars metamorphose into butterflies. I mean, it's a very bizarre idea if you think about it - they essentially lock themselves in a silky womb of their own devising and then transform into a totally different creature. That would be like me wrapping a bunch of blankets around myself, and then emerging three months later as Rosie O'Donnell. I mean, perhaps that example is a little too terrifying. And also I guess Rosie is still human so I'd have to emerge as something pretty different, like a seal, or a caribou. I wonder if I'd have to get a new drivers license picture if I metamorphoses into a caribou. How irritating...
I suppose you could train a goose to iron shirts, but it really seems hardly worth the bother.
I'm not even going to bother to seriously answer the question of 'where would you get all those rabbits?' because everyone knows that rabbits reproduce like rabbits, usually while screaming violently.
I briefly considered the idea of replacing the rabbits with octopi. However, octopi do not reproduce with the same ease as rabbits. They lay eggs, for which you need water, and plus I think the mother octopus has a tendency to eat the eggs if she stays with them for too long. Also, octopi cannot scream violently, as I learned during the various trips my family would take to the beach. They just sort of flop around without making much noise at all.
I'm toying with the idea of dressing up in a clown costume and applying to job interviews that way. You know. Just walk in, my face painted up all white and red, wearing a rainbow-colored baggy polyester suit, with really large shoes that squeak. Or, no, perhaps that is a little unsubtle. How about instead I walk in dressed completely appropriately, flats and a boring skirt and a dull unflattering sweater, except I'll have a toucan perched on my head.
The main problem with this plan is getting a toucan to stay on my head. But it's ok, I've come up with several solutions. One solution is to smear my head with the pulp of tropical fruits of the sort toucans might like to eat. This solution has the added benefit of enhancing my personal odor. Unfortunately fruit can go bad pretty fast, which would NOT enhance my personal odor, and also, the stickiness might drip down onto my dull unflattering sweater and stain it in interesting and colorful ways.
Another solution was to super-glue the toucan's feet to my scalp. The main problem with this solution is that I'd need to press the toucan's feet to my scalp until the super-glue took hold, which would be kind of bothersome.
A third solution is to just tie the toucan to my head with some very strong string. That will probably be the solution I'll go for, even though it is somewhat impractical, and breaks the illusion of a toucan sitting in my head of its own free will.
If anyone who is interviewing dares to questions my toucan, I'll just throw back my head and shriek, "RELEASE THE BEES!" and the toucan will open its beak and release a swarm of bees that it will have been holding inside its beak for just this occasion.
Naturally I will be immediately hired by anyone to whom I apply.
I'd like to run a carnival where the prizes at the various booths are not optional. If you win the game, YOU MUST TAKE THE PRIZE. In this case, the prize I'm thinking of is something akin to a goldfish in a plastic bag full of water. Except, goldfish are kind of dull. How about a jellyfish in a plastic bag full of water?
Alas, that would only do for the small prizes. You know how the stuffed animal prizes get bigger and bigger, depending on how many points you score? We'll have plastic bags that get bigger and bigger too. There's jellyfish out there that are larger than human beings, these gigantic jellyfish that are over ten feet in diameter. I think it'd be cool to have some of those as the Grande Prix.
Or, why stop at jellyfish? A bag could contain a shark. We could get the sharks for cheap from the zoos which need to put down the sharks that accidentally and unfortunately develop a taste for human flesh. Instead of putting them down, though, they could just sell them to us! And then we'd give them as prizes to small children, what a wonderful idea this is.
Or, what about lions? Yes, a lion in a large plastic bag full of water... Hm. For some reason something bothers me about this last one, but I'm not sure what it is. Oh wait, that's right. Lions can drown. I think that giving a little girl a large bag full of drowned lion would be possibly slightly traumatizing... So alright. No lions. UNLESS THEY ARE EQUIPPED WITH LION-DESIGNED SCUBA-TANKS...!!!
My aunt enjoys pressing flowers but what about pressing butterflies? I hear some people do that. That's kind of boring though. Let's press birds instead. Actually no, that is kind of gruesome. Let's press vegetables.
Question, though: what sort of vegetables? Meaning, plant vegetables, or people vegetables? I think that the families might object if we took the human vegetables out of the hospital and began squishing them under the weight of various encyclopedia volumes. So let's just press celery and asparagus instead.
I know a girl who has tries human cheese before. It's cheese made from human breast milk. I found myself strangely repulsed by the idea, despite my otherwise adventurous approach to unusual culinary presentations. I think the human cheese was developed as part of a science project. Just imagine having to put an ad in the paper: "WANTED, lactating women. We will milk you and then turn the milk into cheese. It is in the name of science." Hmmm.
I find it very interesting that caterpillars metamorphose into butterflies. I mean, it's a very bizarre idea if you think about it - they essentially lock themselves in a silky womb of their own devising and then transform into a totally different creature. That would be like me wrapping a bunch of blankets around myself, and then emerging three months later as Rosie O'Donnell. I mean, perhaps that example is a little too terrifying. And also I guess Rosie is still human so I'd have to emerge as something pretty different, like a seal, or a caribou. I wonder if I'd have to get a new drivers license picture if I metamorphoses into a caribou. How irritating...
I suppose you could train a goose to iron shirts, but it really seems hardly worth the bother.
